Hello , Goodbye .

Hello.

 

I tried to let go.

I tried to push it all aside and start again.

I tried to regret everything.

I tried to regret having met you.

But, in the end, I couldn’t.

 

The truth is, I do have a natural tendency to dramatize things… even the little ones. But when I’m around you, it never seems to happen.

I find it so easy to forget people, to push them out of my life like they were never there to begin with, but when it comes to you, it’s like trying to push the air out of my lungs. It hurts.

You told me so clearly that you didn’t feel the same… but I end up wondering, why did your body say the complete opposite?

Why did you speak through your eyes so much? And why did they deny everything you voiced with words?

I wonder why you didn’t tell me what you actually felt, or wanted, and why you ended up telling me what you thought was best?

Was it because you were afraid? Or was it because you actually felt what you said?

 

I want to burn away every link I have with you.

I want to heal the burn you left on my heart and turn it into a scar. I want to stop feeling what I feel for you.

 

I find myself, sometimes, thinking of ‘what could have been’ and ‘what should have been’ and I realize that, entertaining as it is, life is not a movie and it doesn’t have happy endings for everyone.

Most of the times I even wonder if I lived a delusional fantasy and everything I thought I understood from your behavior was in my mind. An expression of the deep wish I had to be with you. Maybe it was. But then again, I did give you so many opportunities to cut ties with me… and you never did, until I made the decision to do so myself.

 

And I miss you.

God, how I miss you.

 

I miss your voice, our talks, the late night conversations, the butterflies, the Friday night shawarmas and the little threats.

I miss the long walks and the hours spent on that red bench.

I miss visiting you, I even miss your scary mother.

I miss your condescending voice and how you made me feel safe.

I miss feeling silly around you, for thinking the most indecent things. I miss how you made fun of that.

I miss your annoyed stares and your frustrated sighs.

I miss the soft smile you would give me from time to time.

I miss the touch of your hands and the smell of your skin.

 

I miss you, the whole you.

 

The porcelain statue with cracks and scars.

 

It’s been three years since I realized I was in love with you and even though I’m trying so hard to break connections I feel like it’s going to take a lot more time.

There are still so many more things I want to tell you… things that you wouldn’t want to hear, most likely.

 

I know that we’re never going to see each other again, not knowingly, at least.

I know that we’re never going to talk the way that we did or just spend silent moments together or play games on your phone at 3 a.m.

 

Letting go is so hard, for me, at least. I assume you don’t feel a thing.

I doubt I even cross your mind anymore.

 

But I still love you. I hope you’ll find happiness. True happiness.

 

I hope that one day, you’ll find someone that makes you feel like you’ve made me feel. I hope that one day you’ll find your oxygen.

That person that makes your flame rise and grow and gives you the passion to fulfill your most hidden fantasies and dreams and, at the end of the day, holds you and looks into those beautiful eyes that speak so much.

 

I hope that one day you’ll clear the frown off your face and smile more often because your genuine smile is beautiful.

I also hope that I never see you again.

I hope that I never hear your name or hear your voice.

I hope I never get the chance to gaze into your eyes and wonder what’s behind them.

I hope I never see you smile.

I hope I never smell your scent.

 

I hope I’ll be able to turn you into a memory.

 

And I need to thank you for not trying to keep in touch, it should make my trial easier.

And also, thank you for being yourself and for helping me grow.

Thank you for taking care of me and for teaching me.

Thank you for being my friend.

Thank you for giving me confidence both in my smarts and in my physical appearance.

Thank you for walking with me for as long as you did.

 

And finally, thank you for showing me what love feels like.

 

I’m sure that I’ll come to meet a man that will turn out to be the Sun to my Earth, but I’ll never forget the man that was, for a while, my whole Universe.

 

Goodbye.